Letter to my scared, confused 4 year old self…

This is a letter that I was asked to write to my 4 year old self by my Psychologist. The main triggers of my Anxiety when I get it, is the fear of “losing people” or the fear of having to “let people go”. Hence why I struggle with intimate relationships. (But I’m getting better at them) To give you the background of the story, my parents divorced when I was 4 years old. My Mother was depressed, and my father came from a family where emotions and feelings aren’t spoken about. Whereas my Mother comes from a family where the rule is “if you have something to say, you say it” or you have to talk about your feelings openly. So she didn’t get the support that she needed. She was just told “you’re being stupid” “your too emotional” Anyhow, when my mother made that call to leave, she packed us up, left my Father in Outback Western Australia and moved us all back to Queensland where my Mothers family were, and where she grew up. As soon as we got back, my Mother and my Grandmother decided it was best that my mum admitted herself into Hospital to treat her depression, which at this stage had become quite serious. Which meant myself and my siblings were left with family, that we didn’t really know. As we were all under the age of 7, you don’t really have any concept on what is going on. I was asked to take myself back to a certain point around this time, and be the Adult that should have given me comfort, that wasn’t given to me at the time. This was a memory of my Aunt taking us to visit my mum in hospital. My Mum saw us, but had no emotion towards us. She was just like a stranger to us. When we had to leave, I clearly remember kicking and screaming the hospital down. I had to be dragged to the car because I didn’t want to leave my Mum.

– ” Casey,

I know you don’t understand what is going on right now, but please know this is not your fault. Your Daddy isn’t leaving you ok! Unfortunately Mummy and Daddy aren’t together anymore. these things happen but know this is not your fault. You did nothing to make Mummy and Daddy split up. You did nothing wrong, ok! Everything will be ok. You will see Daddy again very soon. He isn’t going anywhere. He will be back. Daddy loves you so much and he didn’t want to say goodbye to you.

Mummy isn’t well right now and she needed to bring you all back to her Mummy, so she could get better! She has to take you 3 kids with her because your Dad still needs to work and send you money over. Your Daddy still loves you. I want you to cry, people will say you’re the man of the house now, but don’t take it literally. You’re still a young boy. Have fun, be confident. You’re going to grow up to be the most amazing young man. You will have people come and go. People you get close to will leave, but know its not your fault. It will never be your fault ok?

When your Mummy is in hospital you will want to be with her. Please know its not your fault that she is there. She is there to get better. She isn’t leaving you. She is getting better so she can be a mum to you. She loves you very much. She will be home soon ok? So cry because you miss her, not because she isn’t coming back. She is ok! This is only temporary. Mum will be home soon. She isn’t going anywhere. Neither is Daddy. Daddy will always be there for you and he will always see you when he can. They aren’t leaving you ok! They both love you very much. Im going to give you a big cuddle right now to let you know its ok and to promise you that they will come home. They have not left you. You will be awesome someday, don’t let this affect you.”

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