Last year I suffered major Anxiety after the breakdown of a brief relationship. I went through a stage of taking personal portraits, looking at them and trying to figure out what was wrong with me. One minute I would be on top of the world, and then the next I would be in this massive hole of darkness within a rough sea of emotions, heavy sweats and major self-doubt. I couldn’t talk, my head was like a maze of neon lights constantly running wild.
Up until before meeting this person, I would get close to people all through my life and they would leave and end up disappointing me, adding more bricks to the wall that I had been building from a young age to protect myself from hurt. For the first time, I had let my walls down. I was swepped away by the affection, the late night long talks and the immediate emotional connection that we had formed. Completely blinding me from the fact that people’s emotions and intentions can completely change within a second at the start of any Relationship. Within the blink of an eye, with no real valid reason, that person was gone, leaving me in this black hole. For the first time in my life, I got to feel what true, heavy Anxiety was like.
I went to see a psychologist to help me through it. I was given the tools to help control the emotions, the over thinking, the paranoia and the lack of motivation. I got through it over a 3 month period. After speaking with the doctor and finding the cause of the anxieties (which after a few sessions, I came to realise that I had suffered Anxiety since I was a teen) I had to deal with 3 key moments in my life where I had suffered separation and loss. I dealt with it in the form of writing to my young self, explaining that what was happening was not my fault, and had nothing to do with me. They weren’t my issues that I had taken on.
Even though I got through it last year, it rears its head every now and then. It’s a long path, but its a path that I’m slowly getting closer to completing. Practice makes perfect as they say. 😉